Revisiting again..

It has almost been three months since I left my beloved city, but as I came here yesterday, again, nostalgia has not left me since I put my feet down here. I have always been in love with Chennai. I came here, with hope, with dreams, and with a new life. But, as it is with life, it takes from you, the thing that you want it not to take from you! It took me my city, I had to leave for my home Delhi. I always missed the city- its culture; the Tamil language; mid day tomato rice/ lemon rice, tomato soup in the evenings; dosai in the dinner, idli in the morning; beaches where looking at the sea instills peace and faith in me; Lord Ganesha who always blessed me, and who was always there at the way I turned for my p.g , and who is not there in Delhi, the same Ganesha, yet so different feelings for the same deity; the temples, Nav-Grah idols; the Ramkrishna Math, Mylapore; the Theosophical Society of India, Adyar; in short, a whole complete world, life. I always wanted to stay here, but life had some other plans for me. I may go on and on in life, but the city always remains here, for me and people like me, who are hers, and yet not hers, at the same time. When I got an opportunity to visit the city again, I didn't even think once, not to go there. It was similar to a painting who calls its painter again; like a writer who writes, and rewrites, and edits, and rewrites even though he knows he has written his heart out; I can't get over the city.

Here, I have a small little family, of friends, and they remain as complete a part in the portrait, as the complete picture itself.

I travelled more than two thousand kilometres, of two days journey just to be in the arms of someone whom I love, my city Chennai. I don't know, why is it so; and I don't even try to know it, to find the logic. It simply is, and I hope it to remain..

Tomorrow morning, I leave the city again, for an another city- Kolkatta, in the great land of Bengal. For a traveller, there is no home, he is to move, just like for a writer, every written word is a part of his written world.

Leaving the city again, grieves my heart, and makes me come here again, again just to see the sea, just to see the temples, just to see the family.

I wish my charm for the city never drowns, even though any Tsunami may struck it time and again..

Thinking again, and thinking aloud, repeating time and again, the fact that, for a traveller, there is no home, the whole world is a home, and he has to leave a culture, just only to get into an another one, though not leaving the former complete, and yet being complete in the latter. Thinking this, I pack my bags and move away, into a new city, a new world.

A writer's search..

Well, I really don't know what to write. In fact, after years, I have read my blog articles again. I felt an urge to write here again, but I am really not sure what I will be writing here now. I don't have a great message to say, to say aloud; I have always cherished writing, and feel myself as a chronicler of dreams, thoughts. I will rather recall my thoughts, all these times now.

In January, at the Jaipur Literature Festival, eminent writers were there, scheduled to deliver lectures, seminars, talks. With them, a great name, V.S. Naipaul was also there. Well, it gave me immeasurable joy, seeing his name in the list of speakers. I had decided to attend.

At my twenty second birthday, I had ordered a few books, as a gift for myself. I had always longed to read Mr. Naipaul, since I had read his name as a Nobel Laureate, and that too, of Indian origin. So, I bought his 'Mimic Men', to start with his writings. I read it within the same month, and was not really excited with the book, having read it! But, I was really impressed with his prose writing. The craft of writing was brilliant, and I felt I should read a nonfiction of his, as I felt the book, which I read, lacked the power of great story telling.

One evening,  while I was walking with a friend of mine, at Connaught Place, I saw a book written by Naipaul, at a roadside book vendor. Its cover was beautiful, and the book was wrapped in a transparent paper. I was not able to open it, but the title said it all, 'The writer and the world'. I really wanted to buy it, but didn't have enough money to buy it. I asked my friend, who was rather interested in buying the Kamasutra stuffed magazine, not for its content but for something else! Well, the deal couldn't be done and we walked away, with the book's impression, the Naipaul's book, on my mind.

So, at the same birthday gift gesture, along with the 'Mimic Men', I had bought that nonfiction book too. I began reading it. I was on a journey, to Delhi and on that journey, I began reading that book. The first part was on India, and to the end of it, I had read. When I returned back to my college, somehow I lost that charm of reading that book. I put it in my almirah. I started with the other books of different writers. Somehow, I noticed his book on Islam, 'Among the Believers'. I was well into Islam, at that moment, having read Quran and was trying to grasp the Islamic fundamentalism through my Muslim friends. I bought that book, and felt his greatness reading it. I loved that book, and his writings. I bought its sequel, began reading it, and along with it, the half read book, too. Completing them, I understood why was he a Nobel Laureate, and why the greatest living writer of prose.

He became an ideal writer to me, and with that, began a bond with him, his writings that has testified time. I adore his writings, and going to Jaipur, became my dream.

Then, I was working in an organisation in Chennai, and travelling a long distance to Jaipur, by train was not viable, as I was not authorised to take such a long leave. Travelling by air was not feasible, it was costly and I didn't have enough money. I was a bit sad, on my state of affairs. Then, again I thought of Naipaul, and felt it could be his last visit to our country, owing to his age, somewhat eighty two, and health. I thought this could be a moment of a lifetime seeing the one who is an ideal to you, speak on the art of writing. Somehow, a friend of mine managed to get a credit card, which he had declined earlier, and with it, I flew to my destination. I paid my friend's credit, with my next salary.

Waiting for long hours, and an inadequate seating arrangement, with a huge crowd, was a bit tough to handle. We, I with two of my friends, were there, for the occasion. And then, he came.

He was dressed in a coat, and was seated in a wheelchair. I stood when he arrived. And in fact, the title of the talk was, 'The writer and the world: Conversation with Farookh Dhondy'. I was there, with my pen and paper, noting down the soul of the talk, and with it, experiencing a writer's quest to his writings, the quest being mine. And at the end, he cried a little, seeing the response of the crowd, and a standing ovation, by people like me, as all didn't stand. He had agreed to sign the books, and my friend, the credit card friend, stood in the line to get two of my books signed. Meanwhile, I was still seating and taking notes of the ongoing talk. He had gone to stand in the queue, in the middle of the talk. My book was signed, 'Literary Occasions', the book I had bought with my first salary..

At the end of the day, we attended a talk by Dr. A.P.J. Abdul Kalam, which in further instilled a faith in me, to fly, fly high and achieve what I dream, the unending quest to write, to find my subject and write, to express human limitations and to imitate life, to glorify it, to portray it, to be an artist, simply.

When I returned, my quest was more than before and I started experimenting with the craft.

Well, with the life of Naipaul and his writings, there is an expression of a human mind, which has been an expression of a post-colonial world.

My quest has, still, not been achieved, and with each passing day, it gets more than yesterday, and my life looks for its expression in words, writings ..

The quintessential portrayal...

As always, I haven't written quite often here, but, I have always been a part of my blog! I have always believed, and practiced, in writing on topics that are close to me, my world; and my blog is a window in between the outer world and the world that is mine.

Since a few days, there has been an urge, in me, to find an exemplary portrayal of a girl, being in love.

It's been quite a long time, since, I have moved on from topics dealing with affection and love, and moved to much broader things dealing with surrealism, existentialism & epic- poetry. But a few days back, precisely on Friday, I heard a song, that shook me from my depth and urged me finding love- epic love!!! Not the ones having link-ups and breakups, not the ones dealing with live-in relationships, not the ones dealing with pleasures, not the ones having meaningless feelings, not the usual kisses and hugs or public display of affection, not the ones having 'I love you', not even the ones who get married; but something splendid, having grandeur, one that sets a benchmark in one's life, something that is marked in your life, something that lasts forever, most importantly, an epic- a larger than life love, an unrequited love. Love that lasts forever, is not the one that sees its destination, marriage, but is the one that is even beyond life- an unrequited love. By unrequited, I intend to specify not only, the one that is not exactly reciprocated, but also, that doesn't end with life or see the day of light- marriage. By marriage, I mean union.

Love doesn't have any end, but it has a beginning. It can't be created nor be destroyed. It doesn't follow any principles. The only thing that it follows is love itself!!

It might seem that my ideas/thoughts are imaginary, out of world or unrealistic, which could either be seen in novels or large canvassed movies!! But, I do have a freedom of expression, and expressing something without any limitations/boundaries, is one of the prerequisites of one's existence.

The song, which I was writing about, is from one of the upcoming movies. The music, words and the vocals are a perfect blend of romance and enmity of love. It's 'Laal Ishq' from 'Ram Leela' movie. While hearing it, I was into my deep consciousness, searching for answers and its questions,searching for a quintessential portrayal of a girl- with which one could have an epic- love.

Translating a few lines, the song is expressed as-
"This red love, this remorse of love, this scar of love, this enmity of love.. I had such an animosity with you, I haven't been myself since then... My name is love, your name is love, my name, your name, it's love...
This red love, this remorse of love, this scar of love, this enmity of love...
Should I change my name, or else I hide your name, or hiding all memories behind, should I become a recluse?
There should be only one work, love, for me, my work be love, just love be my work,
my name is love, your name is love, my name, your name, love...
I wish to clinch this dark night, hold this cold moon, I wish to change this disparity amidst day and night..
I had such an animosity with you, I haven't been myself since then.... "

Translation might slip one from the original dialects, it's the feel of the song that still remains..
Searching an answer, what would be the quintessential portrayal of love- the girl, one should desire, one should love, one should dilute one's passion with, one should share one's life with and most importantly, one should share oneself with?

The one name that comes to my mind, is Juliet. She is the ultimate muse of an artist, the perfect blend of brilliance and gestures; charm and beauty; sensuousness and purity& imagination and expression.
Fermina Daza, from Love in the time of Cholera, assures me of everlasting and unchangeable love. Lolita is definitely the nymph one would desire to have an unadulterated love with. Anny, from Nausea, brings a charm to me, where I would love to know her more, be with her more, share with her more, but still, would love to be loved by her. In Indian Literature, one name that comes to my mind, which is there since I attained adolescence, and has been there, and would still remain till the end of my life-long romance, is Paro 'Parvati' from the novel 'Devdas'. She is a truly cultured, well-mannered girl, having a limited sharing of expressions but still clinching one's attention, being novice at heart but still loving up to the brim, young but everlasting. Jane from 'Pride & Prejudice' would be an ideal from the island, as far as mannerisms are considered. She is young, beautiful, expressing, charming and truly mannered.

Amongst them, which one is mine?? All are mine, but still, at the same time, no one is mine. As a reader, I have been with them, they have been itched in my memories, but still, they are distant. I desire my muse. I am passionate about the quintessential portrayal of romance. I would love to create such a character, with which I would express an epic love, everlasting and never ending love. I want to write something, where there is a portrayal of love-the one which I dream of, consisting only my characters, my world, my ideas, my thoughts, my expressions and most importantly, my emotions.

And the one, with which, my muse would be in love with- would definitely be me!!!!!

A rendezvous with life..

It has always been a pleasure to write, but life seldom gives an encounter & a space to explore. In this stringent educational system of our country, one is always involved in one's own rat race & there is no space to explore, to come up with ideas. Only engineering or medical! If anyone desires for something else, his desire always remains a desire. There is not enough room to search for ideas & opinions! Everyone is in a race to own money & power; no one else desire for pleasure, one's own ambitions & a sense of being contented. I always feel being suffocated in this system!!

Anyways, it's been really a long time that I have written here. I always feel an urge to express, but it's really often that I share; it's just due to lack of time!
Whenever I get an opportunity, I try not to lose it; especially in writing.

To begin with, there are a lot of things that I would like to share!
To begin with, it must be huge!

Last evening, I saw super-stardom.
Last evening, I saw Shah Rukh Khan!!!
He was there in our university, as a part of his promotional campaign for his upcoming movie. He was really humble, sweet, generous & down to earth. A true superstar. We had been waiting for him for almost two & a half hours in that sultry heat! Legs ached, wetting heat & loo winds!  A crowd numbering in thousands!!!
But believe me, when he came, "It was worth it!!"
I was standing so close to him; never had been so close to a star. He danced to tunes, & delivered his famous dialogues! When he said, "Kaun kambakht bardasht karne ko pita hai", I went berserk as it was a dream come true for me!!
Literally, an evening to cherish all my life...

P.S I forgot to mention Deepika Padukone was also there! Got noticed in reflecting stardom

And moving on, I completed reading many writings of great literature, most promising were Animal Farm by George Orwell, Midnight Children by Salman Rushdie & The old man & the sea by Ernest Hemmingway. Truly cherished, being a part of literary world. I feel myself to be lucky enough to read such great pieces of art. And most of them, particularly, Animal Farm & Midnight Children have really encouraged me to come across 'freedom of speech & expression' as a literary agent to express ideas & opinions. I firmly believe a need for 'a sense of freedom of speech and expression', which is there in our constitution but is not practically viable!
Expressing your ideas with a certain tolerance level & the boundaries of hurting anyone's religious sentiments, limits the very own idea of 'freedom'.

And lastly, my tryst with destiny.
I have always wondered what would life be, in future! I had always dreamed of it. Whatsoever I dreamed in my childhood, it has always been different. Life in any way, or the other, has, always, taught me a new dimension itself, whenever I try to get over with any idea or any sort of relation! It has always been magical to be into the arms of life & to cherish what had happened!
Whatsoever happens in your life, it would result into two things:-
Pleasure or an experience.
Both are necessary to have in your life.
But I feel, reading literature has matured me gradually, into a person which I had always dreamed of. I see myself, today & I review myself a few years back, I feel how much have I changed, how my views and ideas changed with time, how I matured or is being matured with the passage of time, how I used to deal with people, and the list is endless..

A few hours back, while I was leaving my room for dinner, I saw the date of that particular day only, and a plethora of emotions, ran into my mind. 'Past' is something which can't be changed and 'loneliness' is something which can't be shared! It reminded me of my lonely past which has always been beautiful and which I always cherish, as that was the time when I was so close to myself!

It was luck, or was it destined, I don't know; but I adore that moment and those are the memories which I can live with, whole of my life! It gives me a strength to express, to live, and to love!

Past few months had been a sort of tsunami for me, whirling between love and fate. There were a few instances which I had never thought of; I felt it would be in future, but never had the courage to confront it or to deal with it. But as I feel, always expect the unexpected; I have been fortunate enough to deal with it.
Closing a chapter or ending what you have been adoring/ loving all along, is the most difficult thing to do, but as I learned from 'Florentino Ariza'- male character from 'Love in the time of cholera' by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, it's never over...

In our society, when someone goes up in life, to mean being on the roads to success or aspires perfection; instead of encouraging you, there would a group of people pulling your legs to come down! A dirty truth which I have been dealing with, for quite a long time now.

There is still so much to express, but time doesn't permit me as I need to submit my project, its report and a presentation to be prepared for the same, and to be delivered in the seminar!
And I am not even half into it, and only half a day is left!
I am really entangled within the hands of society and education; I wish to fly, fly away to the extremes, exploring the unexplored and to be close to nature!

 Hope my life is listening...

Gulzar: Amidst dawn and dusk...

Teri aankhon ki namkeen mastiyaan,

Teri hansi ki beparwah gustaakhiyaan,

Nahin bhoolunga main

Jab tak hai jaan...

Jab tak hai jaan...

Tere haath se haath chodna,

Tera saayon ka rukh modna,

Tera palat ke phir na dekhna,

Nahin maaf karunga main,

Jab tak hai jaan...

Jab tak hai jaan...

Gulzar, a poet and a writer, is undoubtedly India’s greatest living poet since the birth of independent India. There are a few celebrated poets in India but in terms of charm and beauty, one often fells short.

Straight away from,

“Mora gora ang layle” – a girl’s unsung desire for her lover...

To, “Mera kuch samaan”- a heart-broken desire of recollecting memories of her love!!!

He has captured each and every nuance of one’s imagination and desires!!!!

He has been awarded with the prestigious Academy award and the Grammy for his epic “Jai ho!” None other Indian lyricist has even been closer to get a nomination there!!!!

“Aao na... Jhelum main beh lenge...

Waadi ke massom bhi..

Ek din to badalenge...”

This captures eternal love in the eternal abode of beauty and love- Kashmir!!

In this westernised Indian era, where “Bhaag DK Bose” and “Second hand jawaani” are the talk of the town, one man has stood still and etched to his poetry and prose is Gulzar saab!!

I have often wondered in my childhood about a poet’s vision, his ability of capturing human emotions and the kind of imagery one uses!!

“Unn aankhon ki mehakti khushboo” is a rare kind of imagery often used by Gulzar saab in his poems. He has always stuck to his kind of poetry and his poetry has been testified by the ages.

Straight away from kids, “ladki ki kaati” to adolescent love, “Humko maloom hai” to mature love, “Bol na halke halke” to dance numbers, “Kajraa re” to “Beedi jalaeile” to unrequited love, “Ae ajnabi!”, he has been the charming lyricist through all age groups!! He has words for every occasion, every emotion and every heart-break!!!!

With almost half a century years of active career, his poetry has been appreciated straight from the masses to the elite critics.

“Tere bina zindagi se shikwa” is every lovers’ delight even if it was recorded almost a few decades back.With each award in his collections, straight from the 'Filmfare' to the National Award, Sahitya Academy to the Academy and the Grammy, there is hardly anyone left who has not praised him!

I often wondered how “aap chaandni lapete the” and “surili ankhiyon waale” would mean. But since I have started understanding poetry and imagery, I have often illusions of such picturesque mystiques!!!

“Tere roop ki halki dhoop main..

Do hi pal hai jeene hain...”

It beautifies a relation beyond these worldly pleasures!!!

“Chood aayein hum wo galiyaan” and “musafir hoon yaaron” are two opposite depictions of a nomad’s journey- one symbolises a heart-broken tale of unrequited love while the other is a journey of hope!! One can only expect this from him!!! Truly majestic!!!

Recently, I read one of his books, “100 lyrics: Gulzar”. And since then, I have never stopped praising him!!! I never knew the depth of a lyric let alone of a song!!! It is straight from the heart and captures every possible emotion.

Urdu never seemed so beautiful until I acknowledged it in his words...

“Main uske roop ka shedaai,

Wo dhoop chaaoo sa harjaai..

Wo shoak hai rang badalta hain..

Main rang roop ka soodai!!!!”

I mean one would hardly understand such high notion of thoughts but who-so-ever understands it, knows that the beauty lies in its words!!!

“Wo yaar hai jo khushboo ki tarah,

Wo jiski zubaan urdu ki taraah..

Meri sham raat meri qayanaat..

Wo yaar mera saiyaan saiyaan!!!”

This sort of pleasure is only found in his poems!!!

“Ajnabi sehar” from one of his movies for which he had written lyrics, “Jaan-e-man”, is pictorially perfect imagination of a person in a new strange aura of love!!!

I can never stop humming his words or even praising him!!! He is something who inspires many dreamers and budding poets!!!

I wish I were a musician!

So that I could have made a few compositions for his words!!

Anyways, what would be a life without an impossible dream????

So, rounding up, I never wanted to end this article or even my poetic discussion, but as life says it all, every beginning has an end!!!

And we, all, are its mystics!

My all time favourite would always remain “Woh sham kuch ajeeb thi...”

Every time I hear this song, I, often, find myself lost in between love and fate!!!

He has a rare poetic sensibility which is very hard to find!!! And in the end, every poetic discussion, every imagery and every Gulzar praise is incomplete without his pinnacle poem:

“Kahin door jab din dhal jaaye..

Saanjh ki dulhaan,

Badan churaaye,

Chupke se aaye!!!!”

Straight from dawn and dusk...

Maaeri: An artist dreams...

Whole life we dream of being successful, being rich enough to fulfill our dreams...

Possessing every reason to smile,

Being ourselves, free from any ritual, any rite, any boundations...

Being a free bird...

Being ourselves!!

Being on top of the world!

Now, I have everything. But I don’t have any reason for happiness as I don’t have you.

I have fulfilled each dream of mine.

Dreams, desires and wishes are complete in each sense of mine. But I am not complete in myself as I don’t have you.

I am incomplete without you.

Oh Maa!! What should I do now! I have everything in this world that I had dreamt of but can’t find any reason to smile as I don’t have her...

Lost love!

How beautiful love was and how painful it had to end!

What is the use of winning or losing now mother; I have already forgotten about it as I have lost love.

I have forgotten yours and mine,

I have forgotten winning and losing,

Oh maa! What should I do after winning?

When I don’t have her???

She was a simply a girl-next-door. But don’t know, whether it was her innocence, her charm or her beauty that made her mine!

I remember her laughs...
her tears that broke me into pieces.

Her innocence,

Her warmth...

Her notorious ways of disturbing me,

Her silent ways of holding me...

Disturb me once!

Hold me once!

I beg you...

I even remember those longing for each other.

I still long for our togetherness...

But I don’t have you.

She used to wear “bindi”.

Her eyelashes used to flutter then...

Adjusting her scarf,

She used to promise me to meet again then...

Maa...

I had her hands with mine.

Her words were like honey-drops.

She used to laugh on her own,

Cry on her own!

Maa..  

I remember her...

I miss her badly...

She chatters.

Her angry looks from those beautiful eyes...

Oh! I miss her badly!!

Oh maa!

She used to sneak away from her home silently just to be together with me.

Even in those beautiful showers, wrapped up in notorious monsoons, she used to come.

If got late, she cried silently.

I wish I cry again and she sings...

May those witnessing breeze springs again!

She sings ballads!! She dances on her own tunes!

I still remember her...
She crosses heavens...

She asks for blessings...

Maa.. I miss her badly!!

What should I do now?

To whom I should speak out my heart to?

O maa!

I just have you with me.

I am a part of you.

Only you can understand my silence, my deepest feelings and my eternal love for her!

Only you can feel my tears, my memories and my remembrance...

Maa.. Only you!

O girl!

Leave this materialistic world,

Come back to me...

Break all those false vows,

Come back to me...

Swear to God,

Come back once...

If we meet this once, we will never part.

Never ever!!

Oh!! She should come now...

Can someone bring her back?

Maa. Can you??

I miss her badly...

I still remember her...

She used to chatter...

Those angry eyeballs!

Missing her...

She forgot my love...

Just took her four months!

I remember her...

Her memories come...

She comes in my memories...

Those silent promises,

Those tearful longing!

Those moments together...

Now,

Far apart!

What must I do now?

Who must I talk to?

Ae Maaeri!

Oh maa!

Just come once...

I won’t let you depart ever...

I am fulfilling each promise of ours...

Now, it’s yours turn.

Just come back...

 

“This is basically my own interpretation of the song “Maaeri” from Euphoria. It has always been a pleasure to hear them sing and this is, undoubtedly, their best song.

I don’t know why but I feel very much connected with this song. This is how I speak my heart out to my mother. I am very close to her as every child is to her mother but there is still a different connectivity with her. I don’t know how but I have a different chemistry that sets apart me from every negativity coming my way. I know everyone in this world has an end. I fear of losing her then and now.

But, then, I know its life!

I feel blessed on having such a wonderful mother and a wonderful life!

And a few weeks ago, I saw Euphoria performing at a concert. I was there!

I saw them perform and truly, hats off to them!

They are amazing, they are energetic and they are wonderful!

And they are rocking too!

Their zeal and zest along with their classical passion instilled a faith in me to render my own interpretation of the song Maaeri and the band Euphoria!

May God shower His passionate musicals on them!!"

Truly,

Lost in translation!!